I never thought it would happen. Here, I’ve been flirting with the low ratings I’ve given movies like The Hangover, Tetsuo, Jeanne Dielman, Satantango, and Flaming Creatures, but each of them was at least trying, trying to do something, so for that, I gave them the benefit of the doubt, and gave them a point or two, even if I personally felt they didn’t deserve it. I never thought it could be worse; I never thought a film that wasn’t even trying in the slightest bit could’ve made the list, but here I am, having just… sat through Andy Warhol’s Vinyl, and I cannot comprehend what I have just seen. All I can say is this: I’ve seen The Room, I’ve seen Troll 2, I’ve seen countless other contenders for the title of “worst film ever made”, but they, at least, were trying, even if they got it hilariously inept. Andy Warhol’s Vinyl just doesn’t even try, and frankly, I don’t care if that was the point; this is the single greatest waste of film stock I have ever seen, and this film is a third of the length of Jeanne Dielman.
Every single thing about this film is just horrifically bad. The acting, the directing, the staging, the cinematography, the sound, the visuals; Vinyl is the exact opposite of each of these facets of film. I am actually surprised I didn’t find blood oozing out of some orifice of my body, even one that blood would be seen as an acceptable substance to be secreted from, while I was watching Vinyl; that’s how much this is just an utter insult to every. single. thing that makes film, film. Yeah, okay, it might have been the point to do so, but having seen the end result, I can say, it wasn’t worth it. Nothing, nothing is worth this. Nothing can possibly justify the existence of…. of this. This is just insulting. As a filmmaker myself, this so-called piece of art personally insulted me, called me the worst words imaginable, and then tried to slam my teeth down onto the cement and curbstomp me, and then it got worse; it had the gall to tell me that what it was doing was exactly the point, that what it was doing, I should appreciate exactly for the reasons I shouldn’t appreciate it. Well, to that, I can only say: Fuck you, Andy Warhol. I thought you were better than this.
When this was over, I was so stunned I actually felt like crying. That’s how bad it was. This film broke me, more than Requiem, more than Umberto D, more than any other film I have seen. So, should I appreciate what this film was able to accomplish in me, even if it was the antithesis of everything that I stand for as a filmmaker and lover of the medium? That depends, good reader; can you justify Hitler’s actions against the Jewish populace, even though it was the antithesis of everything that is right and good and decent in the world? If you’re wondering whether I’ve invoked Godwin’s Law or not, yes; I just compared Andy Warhol to Hitler. And seeing what Vinyl is, I don’t think I am entirely without justification.
I’d give this a zero out of ten, but unfortunately, my ratings scale doesn’t go that far down. Just trust me, a 1 out of 10 is far, far too kind of a rating to be giving this film.
Arbitrary Rating: 1/10